I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize