Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
