ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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