she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
