none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
