call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
