I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Randomize
