Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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