Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
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