my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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