I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
