i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize