Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
There's even glitter on my cock...
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