i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
