wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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