I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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