My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
