i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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