I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
