Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
