idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
