I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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