Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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