The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
