i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You pole danced in your parka.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
