I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
