My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
