You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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