so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
