I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
