the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
