bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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