I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
