M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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