Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
