I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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