i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
