Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
