I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
