i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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