the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize