So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
