nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
