Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
