I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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