I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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