I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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