my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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