im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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