I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
