I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
