The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
