After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
