i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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