When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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