My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
