I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
