I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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